Resonance Episode: Emotions and Leadership

In this episode, Randy Harrington, Mike Ferrell, and Steve Azar explore the profound impact of emotions in music, leadership, and personal performance. They discuss how emotions can drive creativity and connection, particularly in Azar's music, and how they manifest in high-pressure situations like golf. The conversation delves into the duality of emotional expression in leadership, the dangers of emotional volatility, and the importance of self-talk and vulnerability in overcoming personal barriers. Through anecdotes and insights, the hosts highlight the intricate relationship between emotions and success in various fields. In this engaging conversation, the speakers explore the dynamics of band relationships, the importance of humility in leadership, and the challenges of managing emotional volatility in both personal and professional settings. They discuss the impact of social media on emotional expression and the necessity of finding moments of peace amidst chaos. The dialogue emphasizes the significance of effective communication and the inner work required to cultivate humility and emotional control.

 Takeaways

Steve Azar's music evokes deep emotions that resonate with listeners.

Emotions play a crucial role in performance, especially under pressure.

Golf serves as a unique platform for revealing emotional truths about individuals.

Leaders must balance emotional expression with stability to be effective.

Emotional volatility can undermine leadership effectiveness and team dynamics.

Self-sabotage often stems from deep-seated emotional barriers.

Toxic self-talk can hinder personal growth and success.

Vulnerability is essential for authentic connections in relationships.

Understanding one's emotional state can enhance performance and decision-making.

The interplay of emotions and self-perception shapes our experiences. It's a comforting, wonderful, beautiful feeling to have a supportive band.

A united front in relationships is crucial for harmony.

Productive conflict is a challenge in our culture.

Leadership is about making those around you better.

Humility can be visualized as a jar that fills up over time.

Managing emotional chaos is a common struggle for many.

Breathing techniques can help regain emotional control.

Social media amplifies impulsive emotional expressions.

Finding moments of peace is essential for well-being.

Differentiating communication styles can enhance relationships.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Emotions in Music and Leadership

04:05 The Role of Emotions in Performance

08:45 Golf as a Reflection of Emotional States

12:54 The Impact of Emotional Volatility in Leadership

17:18 Self-Sabotage and Emotional Barriers

24:11 The Power of Self-Talk and Vulnerability

27:02 The Importance of Band Dynamics

28:16 Navigating Conflict in Relationships

30:07 The Role of Humility in Leadership

31:57 Understanding Emotional Volatility

34:25 The Inner Work of Humility

36:57 Managing Emotional Chaos

39:00 Breathing Techniques for Emotional Control

41:11 The Impact of Social Media on Emotions

45:01 Finding Moments of Peace

46:58 Differentiating Communication vs. Disintegrating Communication

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

This is Resonance, the podcast for leaders that unpacks the power of song, silence, and strategy.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

We believe the great leadership begins with deep listening, not just to others, but to the still small voice within.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

It's not just about being a successful leader, it's about being soulfully aligned as well.

SPEAKER_01 0:27

In a world moving fast, resonance invites you to pause and reconnect with purpose, people, and possibilities.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

We'll dive into some cool stories, celebrate with friends, and dig deep into the music too. Cause song has a way of staying with words and not alone.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

So whether you're leading a business, a team, or just trying to lead your own life with more meaning, this is Resonance. Resonance, resonance.

SPEAKER_00 0:53

Hey everybody, welcome. It is another Resonance podcast. And you got to get the tissues out for this one. It's gonna get emotional, it's gonna get intense, might be sniffling by the time it's done, or you might be singing with joy. We never know. Mike Farrell, the monk guy, got like nine new books coming out, as far as I can tell. Uh he is a producing guy. He's all over the country dealing with leaders and smacking them upside the head and saying, Come on, get with it. And then, of course, our brother Steve Azar, the man, the legend, the Lomo La Legenda. He is all things and a bag of chips for sure. Golf turns out to be important to him. I don't know. I heard about this. Same thing with Gerald. I'm looking at a checks, a text thread over the weekend, and there was like three things that had something to do with things I knew about. And then there's 900 texts about putting. And apparently at a key moment. Anyway, Azar, amazing musician, amazing friend, amazing cook, amazing father, all the way around, cool stuff. So today we're going to be diving. My name's Randy Harrington. Today we're going to be diving into the world of emotions. And uh Azar, this came from you. And I am not at all surprised that this is one of the buttons you would want to push. Because one of the things that hooked me with your music were these, were these lyrics and this bend of the chords and notes that just evoked emotion in me when I heard the music. And it's like you figured out a way to bypass my brain and go right to what it feels like. And and one of my favorite lines is uh, because I I would say this to myself back in the day. I don't, I don't need it. I don't need a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of cheap wine. Get me through the day. I don't need that. But what do I need, Steve Azar?

SPEAKER_02 2:35

What you need is a second chance to get us right the first time.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

Lord, that was the line. That was the jujitsu moment where it was like, I knew I needed to clean up my life. I knew I needed to get right. But what did I really need? I needed a second chance to get it right the first time.

SPEAKER_02 2:50

No, it was like what should have been, what oughta be, you here with me. That's all I need.

SPEAKER_00 2:56

Right. This is it. This is it. So, so somehow or another, the secret sauce of Steve Azar's music is the ability to sort of uh I see it as almost catching a firefly in the air, where there's an emotion that's out there, there's a feeling, it's distinct, it's profound, but these things come and go so quick. But you seem to be able to get a picture of it or bottle it or put it into something that we can then hear it again and again and again, and certainly waiting on Joe. Just about pick up any of Steve Bazar's music and just take the word emotions and and put those over your earmuffs when you listen, and it'll just knock your socks off. That this is what you're able to create and experience uh with the music. Does this make any sense, Farrell, before we let him in here?

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, I and it's not and it's not only the the music as you listen to it recorded, but we also know that it's the music that you listen to live and the emotions that he brings out in his live shows. Um, that really is the other aspect of it that that and you know, Steve, as we all know, anybody that's listened to this podcast for three and a half minutes knows that Steve's been touring for since he was 103 years old. So, you know, it's what it feels like he's been on the bus, he knows the drill here, and he knows how important it is to get that emotion out as he's performing live. And so today we're really going to talk about how do we how do we utilize that emotion from a standpoint of leadership? How do we utilize that emotion? How do we capture that firefly in the bottle and how do we utilize that? And so, Steve, you know, you were the one that came up with this idea. So let's kick it over to you and let's talk a little bit about emotions.

SPEAKER_02 4:40

Well, we were talking golf this week, and I was just thinking about the the many players who have been so successful at the game who literally are a zero to a ten emotionally, but yet they're able to achieve great moments, especially under when it has to happen. And, you know, the fire of Tiger Woods, how he just gets, you know, he's he's actually created a whole brand of golfers who have become what they're working on their fist pump and and and really a whole whole other level of athlete who are in a different kind of shape, uh, who are who tend to be Tiger Woods, but who are very emotionally fired up and they use that to get to the next hole, but yet they're able to contain themselves as as golfers need to to be in the moment. Because at some point you got to have so much focus that your adrenaline can take over. So how do you juggle adrenaline? How do you and sometimes they don't, you know, sometimes they'll, you know, the joke is, you know, well it's not a joke, they'll they'll have a wedge in their hands and they'll hit it 30 yards further than they've ever hit it because they're in the in the middle of this incredible zone, but they're they're just so fired up, so much adrenaline, and it's amazing the di the difference and how far the ball will travel without them making any extra effort at all. It's almost like uh it just makes no sense, really. The club shouldn't go that far.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

They're usually uh I'm gonna pause for just a second. This is an important point before we go any further, and that is to realize what you're saying is that whatever emotion is and whatever human performance is, it's a cocktail. It's a cocktail that's being shaken up in your brain. Yeah. And then they're gonna pour it out. And it's like, well, what the heck is going on in there? So emotions are both the cause and the effect of what's going on. And so this is the thing. This is what creates that feeling like you're in a blender when you're having a lot of things.

SPEAKER_02 6:31

I'm glad you interrupted because I wasn't I was in a blender and I was stuck. So I appreciate that. But seriously, then you look at some of these gobblers like Ratif Goosen, Bernie Ells, this new kid, Cameron Young, who's been on the scene now, who are numb. They they just show nothing. At no point do you see them even there's no fist pump at all in their imagination. You know what I mean? This you're talking about the most exciting thing that can happen to you, and they're just here. And so it's interesting how there's two different sides of the spectrum, and of course, you got everybody in between. I love the idea of shaking the cocktail, and everything else that can be blended up in between, and how that can that works for the individual to be successful. And I, you know, golf to me, Randy, I know you don't you don't play like Mike and I are listening and I don't play like Mike. So, but the bottom line was the bottom line is that it's it's the greatest game, first of all, because it's the greatest relationship builder there is on planet Earth. It's the only game besides hunting and fishing that you can sit there and not have a ball that you're competing against or or you're moving around so much. You have four and a half hours of spending time with someone, and those relationships can become very impactful in your business life if you get along on the golf course. You also find out how ethical people are, how patient people are, how temperamental people are. You find out every emotional aspect of a person on the golf course. Every single one of them comes out between the first hole and the 19th hole, especially the 19th hole, right, Mike? But but it's serious, it's the only game where you really truly find people how people are really are inside. And uh and that's a game changer for a lot of people.

SPEAKER_00 8:21

There's an insultant I like who used to say uh about an engaged experience, any any great experience, he says. He likes experiences where you can catch, where people catch themselves being themselves. That was the phrase.

SPEAKER_02 8:32

Nice.

SPEAKER_00 8:32

I like that, and that's what you're saying. When you play golf, you're gonna catch yourself being yourself or there it yeah, we're we're gonna catch yourself being yourself. We're gonna know who you are because of the way you play the golf.

SPEAKER_02 8:44

My question to you is how is it possible for leaders, golfers, athletes, musicians, whatever it is, consultants, how is it possible for the individual to be so successful and be yet be so different emotionally? I've stumped you both. This is fan, this is a woman I've been waiting on. I mean, like, is that do I need to rephrase that question?

SPEAKER_01 9:06

It's weird. I was just waiting for him to respond. But you know, it's it's interesting. There uh you hear a lot of talk today, and this isn't new, but you hear a lot of talk today about stoicism and and the stoics, and and Ryan Holliday is is one of the great writers on Stoics today, and and he talks a lot about the stoic movement and that kind of thing. And and it's that kind of that steady as you go, you know, don't get too high, don't get too low, consider everything. I mean, it's a that's a great way to look at him. And you know, bringing back to to the golf thing, I think you can, you know, if you look at some of these guys that are just steady all the way, Cameron Young is a great example and just won the fighters' championship this past weekend. Uh he was steady all the way through. And yet it's in it's interesting when you listen to his interview afterwards. One of the things that he said is the most nervous I was was on that, you know, four-inch putt at the end to finish it off. You know, I mean he's got a putt this long and he's and he's nervous about that, you know. Because reality is setting it. I mean, it's you know, it's it's it's the duck that looks pretty pretty calm on top of the water, but the feet are going like this underneath, you know. Yeah. And I think it that that stoic approach is really, really good. On the other hand, I think there are times when emotion needs to take control. When when we need to show some emotion as far as what we're trying to say, what we're trying to do, how we're trying to lead. Um, you know, it's it there's a fine line between staying the course and being calm, but also understanding that at some times people need to hear, whether it's the people we're leading, whether it's the people we're working with, whether it's our family, our friends, whatever, people need to hear emotion. They need to hear this idea that I've got a I've got more than just a flat heart rate, that I'm actually passionate about this. I'm excited about it. And I think that's where the emotion can be used to the positive.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

So we know we do know emotion works to help coordinate body response. So this idea of using of calming emotion to create this sense of reliability and physical performance makes sense. I'm sure doctors have got to deal with this. I mean, you're you're doing surgery on a patient and you know this is like a big, big deal, but precision is gonna is the important value here, right? So so this ability to control emotion, I think is one of the characteristics of a mature leader. So I always get a little bit, and I think everybody gets a little bit edgy when they see a leader who pops off, right? And particularly if they're like really nice one second and then being a jerk the next. And this is one of those catch them being themselves things. And I'm sure this is something that shows up on the golf course, right? Where somebody hits a great shot and they're all like, oh, look at me, okay. I will swagger down the on the fairway. They're that they're that in a bag of chips, right? Ready? And then they hit the next one and they hit it like I would, you know, and it like injures an old woman across the way. Lawsuits unfolding. But anyway, uh and and then then they throw their club, you know. You know, and then they go crazy. So I those are the kind of people where once I see that sort of swing where oh, the good thing makes me feel very happy and the bad thing makes me go crazy. I can't be around that.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

I think is is that like bipolar bipolar leadership? Is there such a thing?

SPEAKER_00 12:41

I think you just that's your new book, Azar. Bipolar leadership with Steve Azar. Lessons from the music business.

SPEAKER_02 12:49

Yes, exactly. I didn't know that was a thing or not.

SPEAKER_00 12:52

I mean, that's essentially what we're what I'm trying to say is that that, you know, I don't know who you're gonna be when you walk into the room.

SPEAKER_02 12:59

Right. That can't be good for any sort of I just got uncomfortable. I guess that's the best way I can say it. So if I got uncomfortable hearing you say that, what about people that are really in it? Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:13

And it and it is a kind of trauma, right? Especially if you're in love with or you depend on that individual, or that that individual is literally your boss.

SPEAKER_03 13:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

You know, it that is uh it is something that's gonna change your brain. And this is one of the things we're beginning to understand is that these incidences of subtle trauma, those things that you experience on a daily basis, but you go, it's not enough for me to get worked up about, it's not enough for me to do anything about it, I'm not gonna cause a scene because of this, I'm just gonna suck this up and move on. Well, that that does accumulate. And so if you've ever had that feeling of just wanting to open the window and hang your head out and scream, that is because all of that stuff has just been building up, building up, building up in there, and it's uh big trouble.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Let me tell you guys about the one writing session, and I've been in so many that I you can't count. The one I remember the most, it was it was the last time I ever wrote with this person. We actually had the first two songs we ever wrote got cut and they got recorded. And so we were writing again, and you know, you write, you're you're there together. I probably had a little bit it was the beginning of my time in Nashville, so I was really just learning how to co-write and everything because I'd never done it before. I was always on my own. And so I was in there and pretty comfortable with each other at this point. We already had some cuts together and all that. So he I was doing something, he said, shut up, shut up. I mean, and I saw this side of him. There you go. Because he was trying to get his mind thing, and he literally crossed the line for me, any songwriter. And that was the la that after he walked out that day, that was the last time I took a writing session with him. Even if we were gonna be successful, I realized that he reminded me of athletes that I've been on the golf course with or been in sports stuff, or teachers I've been, or coaches I've had, or anybody in my life that I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't handle that person, and I can't be around that. And you sure can't open up, be vulnerable with somebody in the room like that if you have to be. So the only time it ever happened in my life, that's the only time, and that was the only time I've ever um walked away from a writing partner, ever. And I've had a lot of it. Did you tell him that? No, no, no, no, no. I didn't I didn't I didn't feel like it would have mattered, and I didn't know what was going on with him emotionally. I knew there was a lot of alcohol involved in his life. So I mean, probably up late till two in the morning, and it was at 9 30, 10 o'clock, and and he's very foggy at this point or whatever. But the bottom line is alcohol or not, I saw that golfer throw that club and freak out, and it got very uncomfortable. And I said, no, no, no, that's that's not that I don't have time for that.

SPEAKER_00 15:58

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 15:59

It doesn't make it doesn't make you feel right. As a songwriter, it doesn't make you feel right or any anything. And I couldn't imagine telling my talking to my kids like that. So he crossed that line, and that was the last time I wrote with him.

SPEAKER_00 16:10

So you you hit on a couple of very important things. One of the first ones is this idea of a bottom line where they crossed a line, you said. He crossed a line. And how many times do you have that feeling where you just go, This is that's done. Yeah, right. This is done. There's nothing that can be said. I don't need to try and one of my uh the woman I talked about in one of the other episodes, uh, who's who worked at Target and just because she liked to see she would she would look at somebody and she go, Well, he's just not my child to raise. That's what she would say. You know, yeah. Yeah. So the person would act like a jerk or do something terrible. She's not gonna And we and this is it, this is it. These emotional, these emotional car wrecks, which is what that was, he he was a this is a fender bender. He backed into you.

SPEAKER_03 16:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:56

And then no, but nope, we're just gonna walk away from it because there's no point anymore. There's nothing to be saved. There was a bottom line that got crossed so profoundly that more or less it's the functionality of this relationship.

SPEAKER_02 17:08

I watched the movie Bla uh Blackberry uh last night. And I don't know if you guys have seen it. Uh-oh, no, yeah. It you knew that it was destined to have a train wreck, not just because of the technology, but because the lack of humility that eventually would take over. Uh, and then the uh the head guy, the guy, the business guy behind it, obviously doing some not so good things with SEC had to move in and all that, lacking vision of what iPhone was going to become for us all, but at the same time, just the idea of the craziness and the yelling and the this and that, and you're going like, how can anybody put up with that forever and care how much money you're making? And it's funny, the one guy that was the 33% owner of the company that was sort of the one with the wore the headband and looked like he was, you know, looked like Jerry Garcia, right? Look, you know, and he was uh coming in, they finally got rid of him, his best friend got rid of him. He's one of the richest people in the world right now because he sold all his stock options in 2007 before everything went hewalk. But you knew that this if if if they were portraying the lead guy, one of one of the lead guys, the business guy, the guy that was that was going out and getting doing all the the the lugging and and pulling in sales and all the sales guy, then you knew it was destined to it was destined to fall. And uh but it's because he was an emotional wreck to everybody. I mean, there was more it wasn't comfortable to even watch the movie. I wonder what it was like in real life, if they inflated his character or not. But they're in the business world. So I can imagine these people you guys consult all the time and you go into a situation. Mike and Randy, both of y'all, have y'all been into a situation where you walked into a leader that is emotionally out of their minds and you knew there was nothing you can do?

SPEAKER_01 18:54

Absolutely. And and and I'll use it, I'll use I'll use a story that's even back before I, you know, got into the business world. Talk about golf. You know, back when I played golf for a living, I remember that there was a there was a golf pro, and I won't use his name because he's past now, but there was a golf pro out of Minnesota that was incredibly talented, maybe one of the best ball strikers I'd ever seen. And but he was uh he was volatile, like you couldn't believe. I mean, he could go off, and and the story is that he was playing in one of the so he he got onto the tour, was playing on the tour, and he got into a situation where he was head to head against Nicholas and he had a meltdown on one of the last holes, and Nicholas beat him. And he walked off the golf course, and he was so pissed off that he said, if I can't beat Nicholas, I'm not gonna play anymore. And he walked off the tour and never played there again.

SPEAKER_02 19:48

I mean, he takes he takes the greatest player in all time and use that as your Right, right, right.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

You know, and that's that that's that volatility, and I saw it many times when I played with him. I mean, he could go along for 15, 16 hulls, and then he'd have a meltdown, and depending on at what point of the round, it would either completely derail his round, or he'd, you know, just had to kind of had to hang on to the hang on to the the wheel while he finished it up to maintain a decent round. But it's that volatility, I think, that there's a difference between being emotionally passionate about what it is you're doing or what your vision is or how you're leading your people versus this volatility. And I certainly think that, you know, some of some of this volatility that we're seeing right now is happening, you know, places of fairly important sleep leadership today. And I I think that volatility is very, very dangerous. And I think that from a leadership perspective, when that kind of thing, when the volcano blows, man, you don't want to be around anywhere when it blows. And I and I think that's the that's the challenge with leaders that can't harness that and can't control it, where that volatility really becomes a danger not only to the them, to their businesses, but also to the people around them.

SPEAKER_02 21:07

That has me thinking, I had to write it down. I've seen this in the music business with musicians in clutch, very important moments when things were about to happen. Self that there's a gift that some have that self is self-sabotaging in a moment of opportunity that's becomes so real to them they can't accept it or take it. So instead instead they they they make it crumble right there in front of you and they don't want it. So they don't want the success. Is that actually something that I'm crazy that I've seen this? So the opportunity becomes so real and they fold every time. What it and then but then they and then they blame everybody around them. Oh yeah, absolutely. And I'm going, I know why you didn't get there. I saw, I saw what happened, you know, and uh and it but what is that, Randy?

SPEAKER_00 21:55

So we start talking to ourselves at whatever age, four, four. Five somewhere in there. So we start telling ourselves a story about ourselves. And we're trying to get some continuity in our life. We wake up every day, every day is a little bit the same, a little bit different, you know. So it's it's about how do we how do we deal with all this stuff? And then we've got these people in our lives that are our parents, and and we're not going to get into the psychological aspects of this particularly today, but but suffice to say, we now have really interesting maps that can show that those points of breakdown that people experience can almost always be traced back to um developmental moments that were incomplete in their formation and their and their growth, right? So what I'm getting to is we've been telling ourselves a story, telling ourselves a story, and that self-talk, that who is that talking to us in our mind? Who, what is that voice that is saying, why would you want to do that, or you should never do that, or he can't do that, or uh, you know, there's always this voice in there that's always that's usually being kind of nitpicky, and depending on how you were raised, can be very toxic. Self-talk that is toxic is I think the most crucial thing where you'll see somebody who seems like they've got it all, but they cannot get out of their own way. And that's because whatever this little imp is inside their brain is taking control. And I've come to try to start thinking of my thoughts as like clickbait. Just because I have a thought doesn't mean I have to follow it. Doesn't mean I have to hang on to it, doesn't mean I have to think it's right. So, but if I'm just hanging on to every thought that comes across, I'm you know or they eat it.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

Yeah. Well, well, there's that small cast. I guess they're not called tweets anymore.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

Well, let's let's done, let's talk about the emotional people that have to tweet when it's on their mind rather than taking a second to think about you. Go ahead, but go ahead. That's that's another thing.

SPEAKER_00 23:54

So, what I'm getting to is I think so much of these dynamics around this kind of interpersonal emotion center around the degree to which we feel like I can be vulnerable with you. I can tell you how I actually feel. So I typically am going to act out when I don't have that sense, when I feel trapped or I've got no other. And I need you to know that even talking to me is gonna don't even talk to me about that last putt. Yeah because I am you can see that I am just and so what we're doing is I'm using emotion, I'm using emotion to say to everybody else, stay away from me. I'm raising the cost of this engagement. So you won't criticize me like this thing in my head is doing.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

In the regular working world, which I don't consider my world regular, I can tell you it's gotta be the same. When you're on stage with a band and there is a member, that it just doesn't feel it's amazing what it feels like to the rest of us. Yes. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. It's an awful feeling, I gotta be honest with you. Because once you have it where every all the pieces are right and the people, the people are right, the individuals that make the band up. And when I go play live, it's about us. It's not about me. Everybody is as important as I am. I know I've got the center stage mic and all that, but I'm my band's not 14 feet behind me. They're out front with me. My guys are out front. So uh, you know, I I cherish that. I relish looking left and right and seeing Jason and Chris all these years, 31 years, 26 years, you know. And so it's a big deal to me to turn around and see Rudy 21 years, and my drummer before that was a long time before that. And so it's a comforting, wonderful, beautiful feeling every time. But I remember when it wasn't that way. And that it was as nauseating, you knew something was wrong, you were sort of stuck sometimes in a situation, especially when I was here first before I went to Nashville, had choices beyond the best players here, whose lifestyles a lot of times I didn't understand. But with all that said, I imagine in the work in the work world, in the work office, if you have that going on, especially in a leadership role, that it's just gotta be septic.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

Yes, it is. And uh one of the things that we can say about as uh married people, one of the things that drives me nuts, if you've ever gone uh out with another couple and they're bickering. Or he says something and she rolls her eyes and kind of dismisses him in some sort of that just drives my wife and I up a wall because we have a very strong sense that a united front is crucial in these situations. And it just it's just that feels so awkward when you see the relationship is split because uh they're showing those emotions out there. So it's all this weird social game, and it comes down to the degree to which I feel like we can have conflict. So the first thing is, can I be vulnerable to you? And then the second thing is, can we have productive conflict? And this is where we suck in this country. We are the worst at productive conflict. If if I have any conflict with you, it's almost like, come on, you know, let's let's take it to the threes. Let's get it all sucked, let's get it on out there, and it's not and it's not at all helpful. So this is where we begin to see how the cultural values start shaping what we think is okay and appropriate. Somewhere along the line, this person felt it was okay and appropriate to throw their golf club. In a benedictine world, that would make no sense, right? They would have you, they'd be taking away your vestments and ushering you out the door with golf clubs. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 27:23

I just want to say this. You got me thinking about, you know, I've got a song about everything y'all are talking about. And it a song that I hadn't released, ever released yet, called Fools for Love, and it goes, This morning the sun still rose. I gave you a kiss and you unpacked my I gave you a kiss and unpacked your clothes. Said I'm sorry, and the tears were gone until the next time we get it on for our love. We're fools for love. Some coup some couples laugh that's team's new song coming. I know, I want to remix that then. There's a reason it hadn't been released yet. I don't know. I just maybe it needs to maybe I was waiting and saving it for this podcast. There it is.

SPEAKER_01 28:09

You know, I I think from a yeah, from a from a you know, Benedictine standpoint, I think, you know, there's there's two words, and you guys have heard me use these two words many times before, but obviously the first one is humility. Uh it's and it's really the the leader that understands that it's not about me, it's about we. It's not about how great I am or I'm all that in a bag of chips, as Randy would say. It's about making those around me better. And when we have that emotional volatility, when we have those situations where all we have is that self-talk that says it's all about us, it's very difficult, if not impossible, to exercise humility. The other piece, the other word that I love is magnanimity. And magnanimity, the idea of seeing the greatness in others. And if we're so busy with self-talk, seeing the greatness in ourselves, we're not allowing that to happen. And from a leadership perspective, that's that's incredibly important because if we can't see the greatness in those around us and in those others that we serve as leaders, then we lose the ability to create impact, not only with our people, but within our organizations, our businesses, et cetera. And so I think those two words, and and those are really, you know, two words that we use when we talk about Benedictine's stability and really having that groundedness or rootedness that says this is who we are, we're comfortable in our own skin, and we don't need to be that in a bag of chips to make sure that the whole world understands that. And we're gonna make sure that everybody knows darn well that this is all about us and nothing else. And I I think Steve, even I'm anxious to watch the Blackberry movie because I have a sneaking suspicion there's a lot of that in there.

SPEAKER_02 30:00

Yeah. So, first of all, two things. We'll tell more time. If you guys, excuse me, mention a bag of chips again, I want to know what flavor they are, and I'm getting hungry. Is there French onion dick? Well, I mean, what's going on here? All right. Second of all, my mind, y'all, this is how my crazy mind works, and you guys may go, Steve, go lay on the couch for a little bit, let's fix you. Uh I've always seen humility in a jar. Oh, if you get as you get humbled in your life, depending on the impact of that humbleness, what it's there's bigger moments where it really, and as you fill up your humility jar, when it's at the very top and you got the screw on top and everything, that's when I feel like you could be your best. And I I just have always felt that way. And so even if I don't want to have the jar filled up, and I know that I hadn't been humbled in a long time. I now look at me, I am on top of the world. Something happens that fills that sucker back up, and then I realize I'm a better person. So and it hurts a lot of times to be humbled, you know? It hurts when your kids are humbled, and when you when you see them work hard and and and not quite get to where that their goals were, and they're humbled, and it hurts, it hurts, especially as a parent for your kids. It's way worse than anything we can experience personally for ourselves.

SPEAKER_03 31:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

But anyway, that's how I see the humility.

SPEAKER_01 31:17

And it's interesting though, that but the way that you use that word, Steve, you're saying being humbled. You're talking about it as a verb, that somebody is doing it, somebody is doing it to you. I'm talking about it as a noun that says this is who I am. You know, now certainly those those things that happen to you, those things that humble you over the course of time are important in who you are. But I think the other aspect of that, and and I think we see this a lot, is that people can't exercise humility until they've been humbled. Sure. And I think the the challenge is being able to exercise humility without having to be humbled. That's interesting. I mean, how is that even possible? Well, uh again, it's it's it's one of those things where we have to understand that there's an inner work that has to be done. There's an inner work that that we need to work on personally, and whether that's through, you know, uh study, learning, meditation, prayer, whatever you want to call it, there's a way to to kind of bring ourselves inside, to think of ourselves as being humble, as serving a greater purpose, as doing the things that that God wants us to do versus us having something happen to us that humbles us.

SPEAKER_03 32:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:35

And I think that's and that's lifelong work. It's not something that you just, you know, do a do a 12-hour course online and you got it.

SPEAKER_00 32:42

And this is really hard work that Mike is talking about. This is uh, and some people are better at it than others. So if you have the feeling that your mind is like uh in Asia, they would say, like it's a tree full of monkeys, you know, screaming monkeys. Yes, your mind. It's just constant craziness going on. There's just always something happening up there. That's that's okay. That's a if you ask people that most people say that's what they're feeling right now, is they just have this feeling that they can't control what's going on in their own mind. And it's a very rare and unusual person, usually somebody who's got some lifestyle commitment either to the to the cloth or to kung fu or God knows what that's got them where mind control is a big part of who they are professionally or in their life. Anyway, if you feel like it's crazy in there, you're not you're not crazy. It is crazy in there. And we're beginning to understand that different parts of your brain, particularly in regard to emotion, are just really dastardly. So your prefrontal cortex right up here is what's deciding what's good, right, and appropriate, where the role is. I should do that. That's what I should do. That would be the right thing to do, my gosh. That's it. That's a good and noble thing to do. But emotions come from slightly different parts of the brain. And there's another part of the brain down there, the amygdala, who's worried about what's gonna go wrong. You're what's gonna you're gonna get eaten by a bear. And so the amygdala is constantly going on. And this fight, your brain is fighting. Uh it there are signals that are counterintuitive in your own brain. And it's because your brain has evolved for all kinds of different purposes. One part of it is stay alive, don't get eaten by the crocodile. The other one is have good relationships with the people around you and you depend on for your life. And those two things diverge. And so if you have the feeling that it is a fight in there, you're right. So, how do you deal with that? Well, this was told to me by a person at Microsoft, and he's kind of a I'll one of these days we'll do a whole episode on this guy because he was the craziest consultant I've ever met, but he was extraordinarily effective. We had a big experience going on, and uh I said, I said it as a joke. I said, Well, you're about to go main stage on this big deal. Well, what do you do before you go out there? And he goes, and he had some name for it. I don't even remember what it was. I do try something breathing, and I was like, Oh, okay, well, what does that look like? And he goes, I'm doing it right now. And I said, Okay, well, what does that look like? And he said, That's this. He takes one breath and then he breathes in again on top of the first breath, and then he slowly releases. And he does that three times. And it turns out that that simple little is one of the best things you can do in two seconds to get your brain to go, what? That stutter step in the breath interrupts vagus nerve and other things that are going on, and it just goes like this. Hey, hey, hey. Time out. If you can interrupt it for a second and then you can gain control, then you can quiet the monkeys down and you can begin to go on about your business. And I bet you that when this is why I'm thinking about the top of this conversation with your golfers, those golfers are paying somebody thousands of dollars an hour to work on their brain and not their wing, right? So that stoic, that stoic positioning is because that therapist said, dude, you got to keep it in a bubble, man. If it goes even two degrees out, or if you get happy, you cannot be happy. That's the thing. You hit a good ball, that doesn't mean you get to have a moment of bliss or joy. No, you hit a bad ball, doesn't mean you have a moment of terror and awfulness. It's all got to be in that middle bubble.

SPEAKER_02 36:10

I think Mandy found his uh after uh his after uh coaching, after consulting life. Well, you'd be good with you'd be good with a yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 36:24

Doc. Can you the hitting on an oxygen bottle and doing doing yoga poses?

SPEAKER_01 36:30

Yeah. Oh, you hey Randy, you're I can see I can see him on the range strumming the Uka Legla. Yeah. I mean, actually, Randy would be a professional golf doctor. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:41

There's no doubt. This will be a new career. I'll look forward to it. You're laughing you're laughing, Randy, but you would be excellent at it. Well, I appreciate you. You would.

SPEAKER_00 36:50

So this is the thing. What I'm what I'm becoming to realize in my almost, you know, knocking on 100 years old myself, I feel like I'm now beginning to give myself more grace in terms of the self-talk because I realize it is a wack-a-doodle madhouse in there. It's being changed by what I by my coffee, by my food, by my environment, by the sunshine that I have out there. I need to get on my lily white legs from living in Oregon.

SPEAKER_01 37:18

Yeah. So And by the constant, and by the constant barrage of information that we get. That's the that's the other piece of this.

SPEAKER_00 37:27

You need to be this, you need to be that. And these kids, how do we do it?

SPEAKER_01 37:30

From a physiological standpoint, all we want, but it's also that constant barrage, whether it's social media, whether it's the news, whether it's whatever it is, it's that, and right now it's that constant barrage of right or wrong. And whose verse and whose version of right or wrong is it? You know, whose version? I love the word version. How do you center yourself to say I'm not gonna allow myself to fall into that trap that says I'm I'm gonna join the party and say either these people are right or these people are wrong, or whatever the case may be, I'm not gonna fall into that party. I'm going to stay calm. So there you now we're back.

SPEAKER_02 38:14

Let's go back to social media now. And you can let's pick X, let's pick Facebook, let's meta, whatever it's called. I don't care. So let's talk about that. You can truly quickly find out in the masses, the massive amount of people, where emotionally they are in the bipolar emotional spectrum. I mean, it's unbelievable how many people have to say what's on their mind no matter who it hurts, or no matter what. And now it's just gotten to be you're hiding behind this screen, right? Right. I mean, you're pretty everybody's pretty tough behind the the little fingertips. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you know. But but it's really unbelievable how many people have to say it the minute they think of it. Impulsively, emotionally, a wreck, and they have to go out and say it. And uh it's just it's it's uh overbearing. It's very nerve-wracking for me to read it. Right. I this myself needing to take the skip breath now. Right. Because I'm wondering who says this stuff? Yeah, and and and why do they have to say it? Like why? Right. And those are the people in the golf course that are out of control.

SPEAKER_01 39:24

Yeah.

unknown 39:25

Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 39:27

I mean, we did it.

SPEAKER_01 39:28

You know, yeah, we did a whole we did a whole podcast on the idea of pausing, and you know, it's it's that idea that people just have to spew this stuff immediately when they think about it. Is that Statsia? Statsia? We've we've got a we've got a leader of the free world right now that all he wants to do is spew it when he thinks about it, you know, and it's that knee-jerk reaction that creates so much damage that it's one of those things that people need to just before I react, before I say anything, I have to stop. I have to stop and pause, do your little breath thing that you talked about, Randy, get my get my get my brain back to a calm state because it's causing so much damage in the world today, not only from a standpoint of people and individuals, but organizations, institutions, governments, all of those things. It's that that knee-jerk immediate reaction, it's that dopamine hit that we get when we post something and says, There, I'm gonna let the whole darn world know about it, you know, and not thinking at all about the consequences of what millions of people doing this.

SPEAKER_02 40:38

It's not just one person, it's millions of people, and it's right.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

Yeah. So we can we can wrap this one up and we can say that that is all true. But it is also true that that moment of peace at a concert, that moment when you have a moment of joy when you feel like it's everybody that you're standing around sway into the music with, that now we're a we're a group that we know I don't even know you, but I feel like I'm your brother or sister or whatever. No, it's like all those things, things that are negative, that's true. But if we we have a moment of peace in our day, if we can bring peace to someone else, if we can give and share grace with someone else, those things add up and count too. And by and large, it's the only reason in the world we're not dead, is because of that grace. All it is because of the millions and billions of little things that nobody's talking about that are good. Because all we like to talk about is the bad stuff.

SPEAKER_03 41:25

Right.

SPEAKER_00 41:25

But but let that flourish and let that grow. And no, be patient with yourself as these emotions come up. And I'm really a big fan of saying when it comes up, just go, oh, look at that emotion. There it is. Well, oh, that makes sense that I feel that way, of course. And then you just sort of let it, it'll, it'll go. I see emotions like a wave in an ocean. It came from the ocean, it's gonna go back to the ocean. Just just give it a little time. Take that pause, take that breath, but understand that the emotional presentation of self is how other people are going to react to you. Much more so than anything you do. So if I can't, you could be a great surgeon, but if I can't be around you, then then keep me uh keep me under. I'll use your skill, but I don't want to be around you as a person. Right. And that that's the thing. So emotions, uh, I think we can talk about this a lot more. One of the things I think would be a cool topic would be to talk about the difference between differentiating communication and disintegrating communication. You like Chinese food and I like Mexican food. Okay, that's all right. We are differentiated as opposed to you eat the same crap all the time. What the hell's your problem? Yeah, right? That's differentiating and disintegrate. And this is where people get confused.

unknown 42:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:34

I'm ready to do that. That'll be another issue. Yeah. All right, bring us home. I'll bring us home. Uh leader.com, rent's leader.com. We are noticing a lot more downloads now. Uh over two and a half months. We have uh we're up like I say it's 300%. My math's better than mine. Mike's best part. You're really doing better. We appreciate you guys listening, sharing with your friends, sharing with your work folks with your friends. Come on. Uh uh, we appreciate you guys. We can come see you live uh show, and we feel like that we can impact in a great way uh if we can get in front of uh folks. So remember you can do that. Go to residenceleader.com, check out everywhere we you can find us to stream. We're available on YouTube if you want to stare at us for a little while. And um we'll be right back. We appreciate you guys so much on behalf of the doctor, Randy Harrington, the author, the author, and the man behind it all, Mike the Monk, Guy Farrell, myself, Steve Azar. We're grateful for you guys later on.

SPEAKER_03 43:37

All right. See you guys.

SPEAKER_02 43:56

Find us at resonanceleader.com.